I Feel Led... To Tell

     As I  sit here writing this post I look upon my large pink duffle bag full and ready to go to my second camp of the summer. I am very excited to be going to Shepherds Fold Ranch once again! I went four years in a row and it was some of the best experiences I have ever had with God! Their motto is "A Place Called Home" and it has certainly been that for me. The councilor staff there is all made up of college kids who just love kids, camp, and God. They are always so wonderful and come back pretty much all the years that they are in college. So I would come back every year so excited to see Anna, Hope, Beth, Grant, Cody, Lindy and so many more who had touched and impacted my life through just simply loving on me a week at camp. I haven't gone the past couple of years because of finances and other commitments and my heart has hurt with yearning to go back! When I found out that my youth group was going this year I was ECSTATIC to say the least! I talked to the new youth pastor and since I have graduated he asked if I would come on as a councilor. I immediately said yes and have been dreaming of Big Trains, dinning hall meetings, muck wars, WACKO songs, and jumping of The Tower ever since...

     Despite my dreaming I have come to realize that I am now standing in the place where my beloved councilors were just a few years ago. I am to be the one who loves and encourages these kids to not only have fun and meet new friends, but to encourage them have a relationship with God that causes them to be so on fire for Him that they can't help but share what He has done. These college students seemed so mature, so sure, and so grown up. They were people who knew what God was about and knew how to help us know too. I know that I can be that for these kids in my youth group too. Its just it just now hit me that this is now why I am going to camp. I am no longer a camper going to learn and experience. I am now a councilor going to teach and share my experience. It is going to be a transition that will be a bit strange at first, but I think might grow to love even more than simply being a camper.

     Now with that being said, I think a good step toward sharing what I know with these kids will be to practice, by sharing with you, lovely readers, my testimony. I will warn you it is nothing flashy or terribly sad. For that I really am thankful! God chose this to be my story and it is my responsibility to share it.

     I have always grown up in church with parents who are still madly in love to this day. They taught me all about Jesus and what he had done for me. Even at a young age I felt my heart being tender towards Him and wanting to do what He said. I realized one year when I had just turned seven that several of my friends had decided to accept Jesus into their hearts'. I had known what it meant to do that and had contemplated it before, but it started to seem very real to me that summer. At Vacation Bible School (VBS) that year they sent around little cards asking if we wanted to make any decisions based on what we had learned and heard that week. I checked that I wanted to become a Christian. I knew that I wanted to go to heaven and do what God told me to do in my life. I wanted to know that I would see my Great Grandpa "Grampy" and other loved ones in heaven. I wanted God to know that I loved Him. So, on a stormy night when the power had went out, it was just me and my parents awake sitting on the couch. There were lots of candles lit so that we could see each others and so we didn't stub our toes on the way to the bathroom could see the bible story we were reading. I don't remember the story but I do remember my parents coming up to me and asking if I really did want to accept Jesus into my heart and be saved. I said yes. They lead me through the Romans Road (Rm. 3:23, Rm. 3:10-18, Rm. 6:23, Rm. 5:8, Rm. 10:9 & 13, Rm. 5:1, Rm. 8:1, Rm 8:38-39) and lead me through what to say to ask Jesus to be saved. That prayer didn't save me, Jesus did. You simply  just have to pray what it says in the Romans Road. That you know you are a sinner and that sin leads to a death eternally away from God. But, that you also know that Jesus is Gods gift to Earth and that came to died for you on a cross and took away all your sin. I prayed that and I believed it. I felt a rush of light come through me once I was done. I felt like a new person and like sunshine just had to be bursting out of me! I was so excited to tell my friends my decision. Everyone was so happy and excited for me! I announced it to the whole church (a little hesitantly because that was a lot of people and I still to this day don't like being the center of attention!) and shook it felt like a million hands.

     Though I knew I had truly accepted Jesus into my heart for some reason I didn't want to get baptized. Well, I knew the reason. It was because I was embarrassed to get in front of all those people in a robe and get dunked under water by a pastor. I didn't want all the attention. I didn't want to be made a big deal of. I hated that. It was bad enough when I announced that I had been saved! I didn't want to go through all that again while being wet; how embarrassing! Of course now I chuckle at my seven year old self for not understanding the real thing that I was saying when I got baptized. I was simply so focused on the embarrassment and the uncomfortableness of it all that I didn't care what it really meant. Oh young Kurstie you will soon find out there are many more embarrassing and uncomfortable things that you do for God... But I am getting ahead of myself!

    I went several years and a move to a new town without getting baptized. My parents had concluded that I would decide to do it when I was ready. When I moved in the fifth grade to the small town that I live in now I began feeling doubts about my salvation. It confused me because I had just been so sure when I was younger that it had been real. Why do I feel so doubtful now? There were a couple times through out the next couple of years that I would feel God reassure me that I was saved and that decision I had made was indeed real. I also knew that I just hadn't been living for God how I was supposed to. I was always picking fights with my sister, and not keeping promises. As I got older I just wasn't being open about my faith. I knew this but I was afraid of the embarrassment of going up and saying that I wasn't living right... I didn't want the attention and the potential judgmental looks from the people in my church. Satan really had a hold of my heart for a while in that aspect. But one night I could not sleep. My mind was racing and I couldn't make out any one thought. I just knew there was no way I was going to sleep. I started to pray asking God to calm my mind and let me sleep, but I knew He was trying to tell me that I needed to make things right with Him. It took a while but I finally gave in. I rededicated my life to God that night when I was twelve and immediately felt peace in my mind and heart. That Sunday when my little sister announced that she was going to get baptized I did as well. Thats when an all new calling came for me...

To be continued upon returning to camp!

Much Love,

Kurstie 

I Feel Led... To Share an Obsession

     I am off to college in 53 days! Okay I know that is still almost two months away, but I am so excited! My newest obsession lately has been to sit in my room and go through the list I have of all the things I need to pack and then make more detailed lists about what I still need to get. A list for what I need to get when we go school supply shopping, a list for things I can wait to get till the week before, a list of clothing items entitled "Clothes expressing 'real me' and 'college me' not the 'old high school me'", and even a list of my favorite snack foods that I should buy lest I forget what they are once I go to the grocery store. What I have found out from making all these lists... I am crazy person who really needs to take a chill pill. I really am pretty ridiculous when it comes to new and exciting experiences. I obsess over every little detail, and lay awake at night playing different scenarios over and over in my head. I make list upon piles of color coded lists of any little thing I need, exactly what kind of it I can get, and exactly when I should buy it. I even just simply look at my new schedule and imagine what the professor will be like, and what kind of homework will they give? Today that is literally all I've done. Sit in my room and work out every little detail of how this whole college move-in experience is going to work. To put it simply:

 I. Just. Obsess. 

People like me are the reason my school doesn't let you know your rooming assignment before the end of July... I would drive her insane with questions and obsessive comments about decor and plastic organizers!

      The thing is, I really can't help it. It has to be an "oldest of four kids" thing. I have always liked having control and knowing what will happen next. When I have little control of a new situation and little way of knowing what to expect next, it's like my brain kicks into over drive to try and grasp something in the situation that I can take charge of. In this case it is what I can bring and making sure everything is exactly as it should be for my new tiny closet sized home away from home (I'm not kidding the dorm room is only 8x10 and I have a room mate... please pray for me!). 

     This all has made me realize that my list making mojo is not necessarily a bad thing. Really it just shows that I want to be prepared and in the long run will probably save money. What isn't good is the way that I can't get out of the zone. I can't stop thinking about these things, and I let anxiety slowly slip in without even realizing it. As much as I am so INSANELY EXCITED I can feel an underlying nervousness and need for control that should not be there. I should be resting in God and in knowing that He will take care of everything and that there is no need to try and flail for some tangible thing to control. That is by far my biggest struggle with my relationship with God. Control.

"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord... Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:1&3

Solomon then goes on to say:

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9

     (That last verse was actually my senior quote.) Theses verses show that we were never supposed to be in control. We as humans like to try and plan every step that is going to take place, but the Bible says that we are supposed to give that to God. We are simply to commit to what God has planned, to desire what he desires for us, and He will guide us where we are supposed to go in life. I know this to be true, because logically I was not supposed to be accepted into the college I am attending in the fall. The school is small, only accepting about 400 new students each year, and only 40 of those students are ones that show no financial need based on the results of their FAFSA. With me falling into that category and there being over 4,000 applications submitted to the school each year I knew that there was basically a 1% chance of me getting in. The reason it is such a strict number is because this school does not have any students pay any tuition. Through their on campus work study program, which all students are required to participate in, along with government grants and donations from generous donors, there is zero cost of tuition for the students. Therefore with limited funds come limited spots for admission; especially for those who don't show an overwhelming need for help to pay for an education. 

     The school is absolutely amazing with such strong Christian values and a pretty much guarantee of a job directly after college I knew that I had to at least try and get accepted! It was a rigorous process starting in August with sending in transcripts, reference letters, and getting my ACT score up enough to be put in the "priority look" list. Anything to give me a better chance at getting in. In October I had to travel the four hours to do an interview. That day was so stressful and nerve racking... I felt like I said every generic answer in the book and that the examples I gave were silly and frivolous. After that it was simply a waiting game... They started the acceptances on February 15. I made sure I had everything in, including my FAFSA, well before then. I had a count down on my phone for the day. I was having dreams about being accepted and dreams about not being accepted. For the first time in my life I was losing sleep from the nervousness and stress of not knowing. All I could do was lay in my bed and pray, telling God that I didn't know what I was going to do if I didn't get accepted. That I wanted it so badly. I had so many people praying that I would get accepted. How could He put this desire to go there so strongly in my heart if He didn't want me to go? There I go again. Even though I trusted Him to take care of me I still had my doubts that it could happen. I still wanted to have control and worry in my life. February 15 came and went with still no word on my admissions status. They promised me that I would know by March 15, but I couldn't handle the stress of waiting that long! I was on the verge of a panic attack every time I opened the mail box in fear of what I would find or in lack there of. I had gone every day checking my little account on the student website and the mail box vigilantly as soon as the mail arrived. There were a couple days though that I just didn't log in. I was busy with after school activities and calculous homework that I just didn't think to check it for once. Finally on March 12 I just kind of had a break down after I got the mail and yet again there was no letter... My mom said that I should check my account one more time just to be sure. I didn't see the point. I checked just two days before and there was nothing. But when I logged in I saw a little tab that was not there before. My finger shook as I clicked on it, my heart beating out of my chest. That tab said ACCEPTED. 

     Silly me... Why had I ever doubted God? He sent this school my way and I should have known that He would provide. I knew that He would is the thing, but I still had my doubts. How arrogant of me to think even for just a second that my abilities would be the thing to get me into the school? I told myself over and over again that if God wanted me there then I would get in no matter how silly my story about overcoming an obstacle had sounded in my interview. God would take care of me. And if I wasn't going to my dream school then He would send me somewhere else. Some how though Satan gets ahold of all our hearts when we are in those kinds of situations and tries to tell us we aren't good enough. We need to do more. Its all about us and what we can do; not about God and what He can do.

     Obsession. Obsession over lists, obsession over books, obsession over control; these are the things that make me who I am. Sometimes it is a good thing because it helps me to stay focused and accomplish a task. It helps me to show my passion to others and show how they can help too. It can show the amazing things that God is doing in my life, just as long as I don't allow obsession to get in the way of God's plans. As long as I don't allow it to turn into a controlling mechanism.

Thank you God for my quirky obsessions! I know that they are what make me, me. I also know that my obsession with Katie Davis's blog Kisses from Katie in seventh grade is what led me to be drawn to the mission field. You put these obsessions in my life, and through those I will continue to use them to do your work.

I hope that you guys' obsessions, along with love and enthusiasm, lead you to do great works for God as well! I would love to hear about them and anything else you feel lead to share with me. I'm just so excited you're reading my blog, so thank you!

Much love,

Kurstie

Why I Feel Led and What I Feel Led to Do.

     Hello internet friends whom a lot of you I have never met before! I really would like to get to know all of you because I have always liked it when a blogger reaches out to their readers on a personal level. But I suppose to do that you have to know more about me and why I am here. My name is Kurstie, like Kirstie Alley but with a "u." I have just graduated high school and am soon off to my freshman year of college in August! I love school, theatre, reading, writing, friends and family, and most importantly God. I have always grown up in a loving christian home that would probably be considered perfect by many. Me and my life, however, are not perfect. I have faults, my family has fights, and there are days where I simply feel like being defiant to my parents and to God. I suppose that is kind of how I got here.
     I have just gotten back from Falls Creek. For those who don't know Falls Creek is the main baptist youth camp for Oklahoma, and most of Texas and Arkansas, along with parts of Missouri and Kansas. It is also the largest youth gathering in the world with around 5,000 students being present every week during the summer! It is truly an amazing camp that has changed the lives of many including myself. This was my last year going to Falls Creek as a camper and it was not a disappointment by any means. God spoke to me a lot while there and one of the things I knew He was calling me to do was to start this blog.
     I have felt led to start a blog for a while now, because there are so many things that I feel laid on my heart that I want to share, but not on social media. I'm probably one of only a few teenagers that doesn't enjoy social media for the drama and pointless tweets about how "summer has officially started because I got a snow cone!" No, I wanted something deeper and more intimate than social media, where people would only take it as me ranting and getting into arguments over something that I was truly sharing only out of love and what I felt God was leading me to share. That's when I knew a blog was the right thing that God was calling me to do. Well I felt that way eventually... At first I didn't want to do it because I didn't want to take the time, or I thought nobody would read it. Excuses really. However, I felt it very strongly confirmed while at Falls Creek after watching a video about how teenagers were changing lives through a blog that it was my turn to start one too. My only dilemma was I really had no idea what to call it. I was thinking about it for most of the week and realized that I just kept saying to myself that I just feel led to do this and I feel led to share, and that is when I knew that is what it should be called. So hear I am today hoping to share the love of God through these posts! I also am hoping to share my adventures as I plunge head first into college! (Seriously, I could not be more excited!) I hope you find encouragement and joy here along with truth and an awe for God. Everything I write, may it be from Him for Him.
     Thank you all who are supporting me through this as I move on to the next chapter of my life. I seriously couldn't do this or anything else without you! May this blog be as successful as God desires it to be. More to come soon!

Much love,
Kurstie