I am off to college in 53 days! Okay I know that is still almost two months away, but I am so excited! My newest obsession lately has been to sit in my room and go through the list I have of all the things I need to pack and then make more detailed lists about what I still need to get. A list for what I need to get when we go school supply shopping, a list for things I can wait to get till the week before, a list of clothing items entitled "Clothes expressing 'real me' and 'college me' not the 'old high school me'", and even a list of my favorite snack foods that I should buy lest I forget what they are once I go to the grocery store. What I have found out from making all these lists... I am crazy person who really needs to take a chill pill. I really am pretty ridiculous when it comes to new and exciting experiences. I obsess over every little detail, and lay awake at night playing different scenarios over and over in my head. I make list upon piles of color coded lists of any little thing I need, exactly what kind of it I can get, and exactly when I should buy it. I even just simply look at my new schedule and imagine what the professor will be like, and what kind of homework will they give? Today that is literally all I've done. Sit in my room and work out every little detail of how this whole college move-in experience is going to work. To put it simply:
I. Just. Obsess.
People like me are the reason my school doesn't let you know your rooming assignment before the end of July... I would drive her insane with questions and obsessive comments about decor and plastic organizers!
The thing is, I really can't help it. It has to be an "oldest of four kids" thing. I have always liked having control and knowing what will happen next. When I have little control of a new situation and little way of knowing what to expect next, it's like my brain kicks into over drive to try and grasp something in the situation that I can take charge of. In this case it is what I can bring and making sure everything is exactly as it should be for my new tiny closet sized home away from home (I'm not kidding the dorm room is only 8x10 and I have a room mate... please pray for me!).
This all has made me realize that my list making mojo is not necessarily a bad thing. Really it just shows that I want to be prepared and in the long run will probably save money. What isn't good is the way that I can't get out of the zone. I can't stop thinking about these things, and I let anxiety slowly slip in without even realizing it. As much as I am so INSANELY EXCITED I can feel an underlying nervousness and need for control that should not be there. I should be resting in God and in knowing that He will take care of everything and that there is no need to try and flail for some tangible thing to control. That is by far my biggest struggle with my relationship with God. Control.
"The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord... Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:1&3
Solomon then goes on to say:
"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9
(That last verse was actually my senior quote.) Theses verses show that we were never supposed to be in control. We as humans like to try and plan every step that is going to take place, but the Bible says that we are supposed to give that to God. We are simply to commit to what God has planned, to desire what he desires for us, and He will guide us where we are supposed to go in life. I know this to be true, because logically I was not supposed to be accepted into the college I am attending in the fall. The school is small, only accepting about 400 new students each year, and only 40 of those students are ones that show no financial need based on the results of their FAFSA. With me falling into that category and there being over 4,000 applications submitted to the school each year I knew that there was basically a 1% chance of me getting in. The reason it is such a strict number is because this school does not have any students pay any tuition. Through their on campus work study program, which all students are required to participate in, along with government grants and donations from generous donors, there is zero cost of tuition for the students. Therefore with limited funds come limited spots for admission; especially for those who don't show an overwhelming need for help to pay for an education.
The school is absolutely amazing with such strong Christian values and a pretty much guarantee of a job directly after college I knew that I had to at least try and get accepted! It was a rigorous process starting in August with sending in transcripts, reference letters, and getting my ACT score up enough to be put in the "priority look" list. Anything to give me a better chance at getting in. In October I had to travel the four hours to do an interview. That day was so stressful and nerve racking... I felt like I said every generic answer in the book and that the examples I gave were silly and frivolous. After that it was simply a waiting game... They started the acceptances on February 15. I made sure I had everything in, including my FAFSA, well before then. I had a count down on my phone for the day. I was having dreams about being accepted and dreams about not being accepted. For the first time in my life I was losing sleep from the nervousness and stress of not knowing. All I could do was lay in my bed and pray, telling God that I didn't know what I was going to do if I didn't get accepted. That I wanted it so badly. I had so many people praying that I would get accepted. How could He put this desire to go there so strongly in my heart if He didn't want me to go? There I go again. Even though I trusted Him to take care of me I still had my doubts that it could happen. I still wanted to have control and worry in my life. February 15 came and went with still no word on my admissions status. They promised me that I would know by March 15, but I couldn't handle the stress of waiting that long! I was on the verge of a panic attack every time I opened the mail box in fear of what I would find or in lack there of. I had gone every day checking my little account on the student website and the mail box vigilantly as soon as the mail arrived. There were a couple days though that I just didn't log in. I was busy with after school activities and calculous homework that I just didn't think to check it for once. Finally on March 12 I just kind of had a break down after I got the mail and yet again there was no letter... My mom said that I should check my account one more time just to be sure. I didn't see the point. I checked just two days before and there was nothing. But when I logged in I saw a little tab that was not there before. My finger shook as I clicked on it, my heart beating out of my chest. That tab said ACCEPTED.
Silly me... Why had I ever doubted God? He sent this school my way and I should have known that He would provide. I knew that He would is the thing, but I still had my doubts. How arrogant of me to think even for just a second that my abilities would be the thing to get me into the school? I told myself over and over again that if God wanted me there then I would get in no matter how silly my story about overcoming an obstacle had sounded in my interview. God would take care of me. And if I wasn't going to my dream school then He would send me somewhere else. Some how though Satan gets ahold of all our hearts when we are in those kinds of situations and tries to tell us we aren't good enough. We need to do more. Its all about us and what we can do; not about God and what He can do.
Obsession. Obsession over lists, obsession over books, obsession over control; these are the things that make me who I am. Sometimes it is a good thing because it helps me to stay focused and accomplish a task. It helps me to show my passion to others and show how they can help too. It can show the amazing things that God is doing in my life, just as long as I don't allow obsession to get in the way of God's plans. As long as I don't allow it to turn into a controlling mechanism.
Thank you God for my quirky obsessions! I know that they are what make me, me. I also know that my obsession with Katie Davis's blog Kisses from Katie in seventh grade is what led me to be drawn to the mission field. You put these obsessions in my life, and through those I will continue to use them to do your work.
I hope that you guys' obsessions, along with love and enthusiasm, lead you to do great works for God as well! I would love to hear about them and anything else you feel lead to share with me. I'm just so excited you're reading my blog, so thank you!
Much love,
Kurstie
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